MAN AND WOMAN
SUB THEME: COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE
DIMESION PRESENT SITUATION
INTRODUCTION
This sub theme studies the question of marriage and the prior steps that lead to the possibility of a successful marriage It explores the journey a person takes as they pick out another person with whom they choose to totally share themselves on faithful love and later bring forth new life.
CHALLENGES ADOLESCENTS MIGHT FACE IN A BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP.
THE STRUGGLE FOR IDENTITY
– One longs for the privileges of adulthood
– The long dream of what they will be and things they will have.
– Long to make own decision and form own values.
– Direction from elders and parents feels like restrictions
– Their confidence is fragile and any defect in their bodies or lack of new clothes becomes a source of worry.
– It is a special gift to be appreciated by the member of the opposite sex.
ADOLESCENCE; THE GROWTH OF SEXUAL RESPONSIBILITY
– Interests in the opposite sex grow, and popular become an overriding concern.
Experience new sexual feeling that one has never felt before.
– Love letters become the order of the day
– These feeling and drives move one towards opposite sex.
– They develop fear of one’s own competences and one’s attractiveness.
– -Modern school life delays marriage but desires remain as strong as ever.
LEARNING TO MATURE AND CARE
– One longs to be in company of someone of the opposite sex one likes
– Conversation lasts long
– They enjoy the fascination of learning to understand each other’s world.
– Some tradition and modern ideas discourage this type of relationship as it can lead to sexual immorality.
– Others trust the necessity of such interaction and the seriousness of adolescents to behave maturely.
INFATUATION: Form falling in love to a decision to care
– Infatuation is common in adolescences-it’s a mistake for true love.
– Infatuation is sudden and intense feeling of loving somebody.
– It normally includes a desire to sacrifice one’s self for and spend one’s life with the special person.
– Real love demands knowledge of the other person.
– Love demands a decision to care enough for beloved one.
– Love is full of physical and spiritual development.
DATING TOWADS A SELECTIVE COMPAIONSHIP
– Dating or having a boy/girl is a growing new phenomenon [idea] in Zambia.
– It’s time for companionship leading to sharing.
– One need to select the one person one wants to live with in marriage.
– However those adolescents not mature enough can misuse the idea for sexual pleasure and enslave the other person.
KEEPING THE DESIRE FOR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IN PERSPECTIVE
– One need to remember that sexual intercourse is momentary and fleeting which means deceiving.
– friendship is concerned with the total good of the other person
– Sexual intercourse is the only way of showing love in a relationship.
– Sexual intercourse can be personal or impersonal
– Sexual intercourse can be generous or selfish
– It can be an expression of love or an empty imitation of one’s love most profound acts.
– At its best it can be a special message for the uniquely important person
– At its worst it is an act of violence attacking the very dignity and worth of another person.
– Only in marriage can sexual intercourse achieve its fullest potential for building and expressing love.
QUALITIES A WOMAN MIGHT LOOK FOR IN HER FUTURE HUSBAND
– Social and one who has a good relationship with everyone.
– Kind Man Treats her well has self-control and respect wife.
– Has same religion so that the two partners are guided by same values.
– Faithful to the wife does not run around with other women.
– Same interests with wife so that they can share many things.
– Has true love cares for his family in practical way. Wife is a partner not servant.
QUALITIES A MAN MIGHT LOOK FOR IN THIS FUTURE WIFE
– Kind and loving.
– Obedient and able to listen to the husband.
– Clean look after the home and possession.
– Able to keep secrets
– Not quarrelsome.
– Welcomes visitors.
– Hardworking and preferably employed.
– Patient and able to discuss with husband problems in the home.
FINDINGS OF SOCIAL SCIENCE REGARDING THE QUALITIES NEEDED TO HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE
PHYSICAL BEAUTY IS IMPORTANT BUT FRAGILE
– Physical beauty is important but fragile it can vanish through accidents or disease.
– Far more important than physical beauty is a good character.
– Two people entering marriage must be able to carry on serious conversation with each other.
– They must share basic values.
– There must be love for family life.
– Both need to be honest about their health.
– Both need to be good.
– Any serious misconduct or immoral behavior in one partner before marriage should make one think twice; behavior does not change after marriage.
PROBLEMS RELATED TO COURSHIP AND MARRIAGE
1. COURTSHIP
– Pretense
– Unfaithfulness
– Impatience
– Jealous and suspicious
– Some young men look for temporal sexual partner under the cover of courtship.
3. MARRIAGE
– Prostitution.
– Financial problems.
– Lack of dialogue.
– Lack of trust reconciliation.
– Suspicious.
– Polygamy brings about tension.
HINDU COURTSHIP MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE
COURTSHIP: is rare among the Hindus since most of marriages (90%) are arranged by parents.
VIRGINITY: Is highly respected among Hindu girls. To lose virginity among Hindu girls lead to being an outcast in the society. Even a boy know to be fooling around with girls would find it difficult to find a decent girl for marriage.
MARRIAGE: Most marriages were arranged by the parents.
– Marriage was considered to be holy ceremony and greater events of their lives.
Was not a contract between two individuals but a strong bond between two families.
– Marriages affected not only the couple but other members of the family as well.
– Married woman was out of bounds to every male.
– Adultery was considered the worst sin.
DIVORCE: was not allowed among the Hindu because marriage is a bond with nothing but death can break. In times of problems a couple was encouraged to fast and pray.
MUSLIM MARRIAGE
– It is a commitment to life itself and to society to one another and to God.
– God made a woman so that man can find comfort and rest in her.
– A man is fortune to have a wife who is holy and playful.
– Muslims hope to find a mutual self-fulfillment and self-realization, love and peace comfort and hope within marriage
OBLIGATIONS (DUTIES) OF HUSBAND IN MUSLIM MARRIAGE
– Must treat wife with kindness.
– He must provide food, house, clothing and security for the wife
– Must fully maintain his wife cheerfully without complaints.
– Must respect his wife’s need for permanence, security and also her inner feelings.
OBLIGATIONS OF THE WIFE
– To contribute to the success and happiness of the marriage.
– Must be attentive to the comfort and well-being of her partner.
– Must be honest trustworthy .faithful and not allow another sexual partner.
– Must keep herself attractive, responsive and cooperative.
DOWRY (BRIDE WEALTH)
– Woman had the right to demand dowry from her would be husband according to her standards and according to his means.
– She could accept the man without any dowry.
– Right to dowry is to assure woman that she was wanted and needed.
– It was a way of preventing a man from entering marriage for material gain.
STEP TAKEN BEFORE DIVORCE IS GRANTED IN MUSLIM MARRIAGE
– The two parties involved must first try to settle their disputes between themselves.
– If it fails, two arbitrators one from the husband’s and wife’s relations must try to make peace between the two.
– There must be a waiting period of three to twelve months where the two can live apart.
– The wife continues to be fully supported by the husband
– Neither may marry during this time.
– If it fails, then divorce can be granted and both are free to marry.
AFRICAN TRADITION
THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE IN AFRICA TRADITION
– A means of bearing children for the family lineage, to the clan.
– An alliance between two families.
– To gain respect.
– To have a helper.
– it was not the concern of two individuals but the concern of two entire families.
– To have more than two children helped to strengthen marriage.
REASONS FOR THE PAYMENT OF LOBOLA (BRIDE WEALTH) IN AFRICAN TRADITIONAL SOCIETY
– It was part of the process of gift exchange legalizing a marriage.
– It gave legitimacy to children of the union (marriage).
– It helps to stabilize the marriage.
– It was a way of honoring the lineage spirits.
– It gave compensation to the relatives of the bride for the loss of their daughter.
MARRIAGE PREPARATION
This is the duty of the parents. Advice is given to the boy and girl by the parents.
MOTHER’S ADVISE TO THE DAUGHTER
– To love no one but the one they approved.
– To have self-respect and self-control.
– To never deny sex to the husband expect in sickness.
– To be a hard worker, looking after in-law and strangers.
– To be obedient to the husband and elders.
FATHERS ADVISE TO THE SON
– He was advised that character was more important than the beauty of the girl.
– To look at the wife as the second mother.
– To never be harsh or call her bad names.
– To never despise her.
– Never to use her as the sex object.
– To collect her humbly if she goes wrong.
– To look after the in-law and to love the wife, be a hard worker and provide for the family.
ELEMENTS COMMON TO THE MARRIAGE RITES OF MOST TRIBES IN ZAMBIA
– Public witness to the social event characterized by dancing speeches and feasting.
– Seclusion and instruction of the bride.
– Mock hostility between the two families.
– Capture and handling over the bride.
– Initiation of the bride into her domestic duties by means of a symbolic.
– Veiling and unveiling of the bride.
– Anointing of the bride and the groom (spouse).
– Ceremonial bath of the bride.
– Consummation of the marriage with witnesses nearby.
– Gift exchange.
REASON WHY MODERN MARRIAGES ARE MORE STABLE THAN TRADITIONAL FAMILY LIFE MARRIAGE
Marry while still too young: Boys and girls marry without a clear understanding of their responsibility and knowledge about marriage.
Desire for material wealth: Marriages are motivated by riches.
Excessive movement: Frequent absence from home by either a woman or a man for un important reasons. This may crate the room for temptation.
Freedom of choice: The boy or girl is entirely responsible for the choice of a partner, parents are never consulted.
Early involvement in beer drinking: Boys in particular will start drinking beer at an early stage.
CHURCH HISTORY
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE CEREMONY
There are a number of things found in modern wedding ceremony. Some of these are essential to a Christian marriage ceremony while other are non- essential.
NON–ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS FOUND IN MODERN MARRIAGE
– Having bride maids.
– Having a wedding cake.
– Wearing a white dress.
– Holding a wedding reception.
– Having a matron of honour.
– Singing a register.
ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS
– Promising to love each other and respect each other till death.
– praying for God’s blessing.
– Allowing Christ teach them the way to love.
– Being faithful having trust patient humble and care to sacrifice and accept frustration.
– Growing together in the presence and his help.
BIBLE CONTENTS
OLD TESTAMENT
KEY WORDS: ILLUSTRATE HEBREWS TEACHING THAT MARRIAGE WAS WILLED BY GOD.
GENESIS 2:18-25
– Then the lord said it’s not good for a man to live alone.
– I will make a suitable companion to help him.
– So he took some soil from the ground and formed all the animals and all he birds.
– Then he brought them to man and he named them.
– But no one was suitable companion to help him.
– Then the lord made the man to fall into the deep sleep.
– And while he was sleeping he took out one of the man ribs and closed up the flesh.
– He formed a woman out of the rib and brought her to him.
– Then the man said’ at least here is one of my own kind.
– Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.
– Woman is her name because she is taken from man.
– That why a man has to leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife and they become one.
– The man and the woman were both naked but they were not ashamed or embarrassed.
APPLICATION
BY USING THE ABOVE PASSAGE, GIVE STEPS REQUIRED FOR FULL COMPANIONSHIP IN MARRIAGE ACCORDING TO THE BOOK OF CENESIS
1. Leave: A man should leave his father and mother.
2. Cleave: A man should join his wife as a commitment to a lifelong companionship.
3. Becoming one fresh: Means a project of sharing possession bodies’ emotion, spirt or intellect.
EXPLAIN WHY DIVORCE IS NOT ALLOWED BY GOD
– It is sin in the eyes of God.
– Marriage is God’s will and on one should separate.
– Children may suffer financially, emotionally
– Quarrels and fights may occur.
KEY WORDS: DIVORCE WAS AT FIRST ALLOWED
DEUTERONOMY 24:1
– Suppose a man marries a woman and later decides he does not want her
– Because he find something in her which he does not like
– He write a divorce paper
And gives it to her
– And he sent her away from home.
APPLICATION
WITH REFERENCE TO THE PASSAGE GIVE REASONS AS TO WHY DIVORCE IS NOT ALLOWED IN THE CHURCH/NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE
– It is sin in the eyes of God.
– It creates hatred and even death.
– Women and children may suffer.
– And lead to contracting STD, HIV/AIDS
KEY WORDS: A PROPHET WHO DENOUNCED DIVORCE
MALACHI 2:13-16
– This is another thing that you do
– You have drawn the lords alter with tears
– Weeping and wailing because he no longer accepts the offering you bring and asks why he no longer accepts
– It’s because u have broken the promise to the wife you married when you were young
– She was your partner and you have broken the promise before the lord that you will be faithful to her
– Did God not make one body and spirit with her?
– What was his promise in this? It was that you should have children that are truly God’s people
– So make sure that none of you breaks his promise to his wife.
– I hate divorce, says the lord god of Israel
– I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to the wife
– Make sure that u do not break you promise to be fulfilled to your wife
APPLICATION
– Church might be condemned if it allowed divorce.
– Marriage is the will of God.
– Might promote promiscuity and Adultery
– Divorce is sin in the eyes of God
– Might be seen to be defeating the global fight against HIV/AIDS
KEY WORDS: THE UNFAITHFUL GOMER (HOSEA’SWIFE) AND THE UNFAITHFUL ISRAEL
HOSEA 2: 2–23; 3:1
– So call your fellow Israelites, God’s people are loved by the lord
– My children plead with your mother though she is no longer a wife to me and I am no longer her husband
– Plead with her to stop prostitution
– If she does not, I will strip he naked as she was on the day she was born
– I will make her like a dry and barren land she will die of thirsty
– will not show mercy to her children, they are the children of a shameless prostitute
– She herself said, I will go to my lovers, they give me food and weather and wool linen olive oil and wine
– So I am going to fence her in with thorn bushes and build a wall to block her way
– She will run after her lover but she will not catch them. She will look for them but she will not find them
– Then she says that I am going back to my first husband I was better off then than I am now
– She will never acknowledge that I was the one who gave her the corn, wine olive oil and all her silver and gold she used in her worship of Baal
– So at harvest time, I will take back my gift of corn, wine, and will take away the wool and linen I gave her for her clothing
– I will strip her in front of her lover and no one will be able to save her.
– I will put on her festivities, annual and her monthly festivals and her Sabbath cerebration of all religious meetings
– I will destroy her grape vine and her fig trees which she said her lover gave her for serving them
– I will punish her for the time she forgot me when she burnt essence to Baal and put her jewelry to go casing after her lover. The lord has spoken.
APPLICATION
WITH REFERENCE TO THE ABOVE PASSAGE, GIVE REASONS WHY MARRIAGE PARTNERS MIGHT BE UNFAITHFUL.
– Lack of children in a home.
– Lack trust between the couple.
– Lack of love and peace in the home.
– Lack of support in different areas in a home
BIBLE CONTENTS
NEW TESTAMENT
KEY WORDS: JESUS HEALS A BROKEN DOWN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP AT THE WOMAN AT THE WELL
JOHN 4:16-19
– Go and call your husband and come back, Jesus told the woman
– I have no husband she replied
– Jesus said to her, you are right when you say you have no husband.
– You have been married to five men and the one you line with now is not your husband.
– You have told me the truth, the woman said,
– I can see that you are a prophet.
APPLICATION
MENTION FOUR ELEMENTS THAT MIGHT HELP TO STRENGTHEN MARRIAGES TODAY.
– Trust between the couple.
– . Faithfulness.
– Openness to each other.
– Willingness to discuss problems
MENTION THE CAUSES OF DIVORCE
– Lack of trust
– Quarrels
– Lack of respect
– Unfaithfulness between the couple.
KEY WORDS: JESUS STRESSED THE IMPORTANCE OF FAITHFULNESS IN MARRIAGES
JOHN 8:1–11
– The woman caught committing adultery.
– Then everyone went home but Jesus went to the mount olives
– Early the next morning he went back to the temple\
– All the people gathered around and sat down and he began to teach them
– The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the very act of committing adultery and they made her stand before them all
– Teacher, they said to Jesus this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery
– In our law, Moses commanded us to stone such a woman to death, what do you say?
– They said this to trap Jesus so that they could accuse him
– But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger
– As they stood there asking him questions he straightened himself up and said to them
– Whichever one of you has not committed no sin be the first to throw a stone at her.
– Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.
– When they heard this, they left one by one, the older ones first,
– Jesus was left alone with the woman still standing there.
– He straightened himself up and said to her where they are?
– Is there no one left to condemn you?
– No one, sir, she answered
– Well, then, Jesus said I do not condemn you either
– Go but do not sin again.
APPLICATION
USING IDEAS FROM THE PASSAGE ABOVE EXPLAIN WHY FAITHFULNESS IS IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE TODAY.
– It brings love if the couple is faithful to each other.
– Faithfulness is important because if there is cheating, it will bring quarrels.
– In this era of AIDS it is important to stick to one partner.
– God demands that there should be faithfulness in the marriage.
KEYWORDS: EXPLAINS THAT THE IDEAL MARRIAGE ACCORDING TO JESUS IS THAT OF MONOGAMY, JESUS IS AGAINST DIVORCE.
MARK 10:1-12
– Then Jesus left that place, clouds come and he began to teach them.
– Some Pharisees came to him and tried to trap him,
– Tell us they said, does the law allow a man to divorce his wife.
– Jesus answered them with a question, what did the law of Moses give you?
– They answered, Moses gave permission for a man to write divorce letter and send the woman away
– Jesus said to them, Moses wrote you this law because you are so hard to teach, but at the time of creation, God crated them male and female and for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife and the two will become one.
– Man must not separate what God has joined together.
– When they went back to the house, the disciples asked Jesus about this matter/
– He said to them, a man who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against his wife.
– In the same way a woman who divorces her husband and marries another man commits adultery.
APPLICTION
EXPLAIN THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE
– Children will suffer.
– One can contract HIV/AIDS.
– Creates quarrels and fighting.
– . Woman might start prostitution
EXPLAIN THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF POLYGAMY
– No true love between wife and husband.
– Chances of unfaithfulness increase.
– Jealous and hatred id created among the wives
– Economically a father might fail to support and educate the children.
KEYWORDS: EXPLAINS THAT MARRIAGE IS THE COVENANT INVOLVING BOTH PARTNER’S GENUINE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING.
EPHESIANS 5: 21–23
– Submit yourself to one another because of your reverence for Christ.
– Wives submit to you husband as the lord to the church
– For as the husband has authority over his wife. – Christ has authority over the church
– Wives must submit completely to their husband just as the church submits itself to Christ.
– Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church.
– Men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies.
– A man who loves his wife loves himself.
– As the scripture says, for this reason a man leave his father and mother and unite with wife and the two will become one.
– There is deep truth reveled in this.
– It also applies to you, every husband must love his wife as himself and every wife respect her husband.
APPLICATION
MENTION SOME WAYS A WOMAN MUST SACRIFICE HERSELF FOR HER HUSBAND AND CHILDREN IF SHE IS TO BE A GOOD WIFE AND MOTHER
– Being able to submit to the husband and duties at home.
– Being in position to love the family with any condition.
– Having respect.
– Leaving the other family for the best of your family.
KEY WORDS: PAUL EMPHASIZES FOR MUTUAL RESPECT AND TOTAL SELF–GIVING IN MARRIAGE.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:1-7
– Now to deal with the matter you wrote about.
– A man does well not to marry.
– But because there is so much immorality.
– Each man should have his own wife and very woman should have her own husband.
– A man should fulfill his duties as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duties as the wife.
– Each should satisfy the other need.
– A Wife is not the master of her body but the husband is.
– In the same way the husband is not the master of his body but his wife is.
– Do not deny yourselves to each other.
– Unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer, but resume normal marital relations.
– In this way you will be kept from giving into Satan’s temptation because of your lack of self-control.
– I tell you this not as order, but simply as a concession.
– But each person has a special gift from God.
– One person this gift, another one that gift.
APPLICATION
EXPLAIN WHY MARRIED COUPLE SHOULD HAVE SATISFACTORY MARRIAGE RELATIONS.
– To obey God’s command.
– To avoid one seeking marital relation outside the house. Hence sin
– To avoid misunderstanding as this can lead to divorce.
– Insecurity on the divorced woman and children.
– T0 avoid one seeking marital relationship that might lead to HIV/AIDS.
